A little ME time!

Ok so I just need this time to talk (or write) a little. Like I said at the beginning of this whole thing I am not very good with words and tend to ramble and jump around, so please bear with me! So if you're interested, grab a drink and get comfy!
I feel like I am missing something...I have been so caught up with the business part of this endevour that I have lost myself. Now I need to find me again...I need to pull out my camera and see life and gain perspective through the lens. My kids will be relieved to be looking at me from behind the camera again!
Growing up I have always had what others call a talent for art. I could always hand draw a pretty good representation of what I was looking at, have been good with colors and can visualize something before I actually see it. It may be somewhat of a talent, but I have always felt that it was somewhat of a curse. I am only realizing this now. I have always lived under pressure. I was always the one in school picked to draw or paint something, the teachers would always single me out to others...you may be thinking that this would be flattering, and to a certain extent it was, but there was always that pressure (that I guess I put on myself) that it was never good enough because there was always someone better than I. I never had a chance to enjoy it and be proud of myself for what I can do for myself and for others. I have always been pretty hard on myself. All these years of wasting what I had.
From school I went into graphic design, where it was the same thing. I can see now that the underlying joy for what I did was there, but it was always pushed aside and ignored by the pressure I put on myself that whatever I did was not good enough. I guess it is just who I am, I don't think it was inherited or learned, I have just always been so hard on myself.
I really don't like the feeling. So when I had my first 2 kids I got out of the art field. I began working in the health field, where I could see others that were not feeling so good in one way or another and felt like if I can just smile, it might help ease their pain, if only for a moment. The pressure was gone...
Something, though, keeps bringing me back. Back to the exposure of others and vulnerable to the dissappointment I set myself up for.
Okay already, this time will be different, it is obvious to me now. This is something that I have to do. I need to learn what it is I need to learn. To be happy with who I am and what I can do. To demonstrate to my children, perserverance and self confidence. Even though, down this road you will be hurt or frustrated, but those are just more stepping stones in the path that makes you a better person. I have been saying for a while now that everything in life happens for a reason, and if you can realize that reason and learn from it, you will be the person you want to be. It just takes time... sometimes too much time.
Well there ya go. I feel so much better. Thanks for listening! And thanks for all of you who always love and encourage me...be patient I'm getting there. I am perservering and will not give up this time. If I can help someone see beauty through portraiture then I should feel fulfilled, it's coming.
Enough about me, I want to hear about you, if there is anybody that actually took the time to read this...drop me a line, leave a comment in the comments section even if you are anonymous, it would be great to hear!

Thanks for the encouragement, I feel better now!